"Sleeping in the spare room
that used to be my bedroom
even though I'm home now
I feel completely homeless."
even though I'm home now
I feel completely homeless."
- Paul Baribeau "Christmas Lights"
Home is where the heart is, or at least that's what I've been told.
Sometimes I feel homeless. (Disclaimer I have a place to sleep, to eat, to stay, and shower.)
What I do not have is a central place to live my life.
Recently with a friend of mine, she and I discussed the transition from child to adulthood and where we feel most at home. For her, it's her fiance's house where his parents live. To me, home is something I'm trying to build.
That's the biggest reason I am moving at the end of this school year. The change isn't in the name of love or any other singular reason I could give a person. Collectively, the decision to transfer schools and return to Indiana was based on many factors, but mainly I want a place of my own. I want one place that is mine all year round.
Life has been a struggle of here or there and it is forced upon me. I have to go wherever I need to. School during the semesters. My parent's houses during the breaks. Neither one feels like home to me.There is no middle ground and I crave independence, because with it comes freedom of choice.
- I can choose to visit others but am not forced to stay.
- I can finally feel like I have my own home.
I cannot live in Baltimore all year round because so much of my life is in Indiana. As another friend said to me, "You have a life back there". I never really took the time to notice it, but I do. My life is growing somewhere that I'm not even at most of the time. Therefore, I had a dilemma on my hands.
In the last post of mine I discussed changes. Well, one of the hardest changes is the transitions we face during college. No longer am I a child, no longer do I want to be treated as one, but I cannot fully support myself. Until then, I have to ask for help.
Even in our early twenties, are we really ready to do it all on our own?
For myself personally, I am not, but I want to get there. This move in my life is to get closer to that independence. I will be able to live, work, and go to school all in one place instead of the temporary back and forth. It will be year round until I graduate and then I will do the same somewhere else (minus the college work). That prospect is one of the most exciting.
To tie this together, a house is not a home. A room is not a home. I believe home is the place we are happiest living because that is where our heart lies. That is what I'm trying to find and make.
I know almost everything remains a compromise, but why not try to get as close to having it all as we can?
Life contains enough hardships naturally all on its own. If we can make our life a little happier and a little easier, the question I have is...
Why not?
My advice remains to not be afraid to make a change. Go to where life takes you. It will be difficult at times getting there, but in the end you may end up somewhere (literally or metaphorically) that makes life a little easier and hopefully happier.
