Without saying a word you can light up the dark"
- Alison Krauss "When You Say Nothing At All"
Only you could make tears feel so good...
I hate crying. I hate people seeing me cry. I hate people knowing I cry.
I rarely grieve over past events. Depressed is a familiar feeling but with that comes a numbness and a loss of hope. Recent past events took a toll on me, but I always tried to hold back from crying.
Then tonight came...
A person I love more than words can describe listened to me cry. He is halfway across the country, yet he was with me. The "Goodwill Hunting" trick only works in times of high stress and emotion, and the words "it's not your fault" ring true. No matter how old I am, my parents splitting up hurts. Certain events really are not my fault because I had no choice. Knowledge of the coming divorce came months ago (actually last spring). It took the finality of scheduling the court date to make me mourn.
Appearances are misleading. No matter how one may look, there is always a story underneath. A story untold.
Part of myself becoming stronger, better, happier, is also feeling all emotions more. Tears are healthy, grieving is normal, and to let go I must finish mourning first.
The amazing thing about letting someone I love see or hear me cry is that he does not see me as weak. He understands. This person took time out of their life just to be there for me. That may sound simple, but I have a hard time letting my guard completely down. I have a hard time letting people completely in. I may state facts, but I use humor and sarcasm as a defense. I pretend and lie to myself that "I'm fine".
Simple truths are the hardest one to accept.
Though it may sound pathetic to some, sitting on the phone and letting myself go, letting myself cry, is one of the hardest things to do. It was also one of the best things to do.
Hot tears poured down my face, my sobs were muffled by my hand covering my eyes and mouth, and while it hurt, it also felt good.
If it would have been anyone, I would have ran, hid, or held it in, but this person I trust more than myself sometimes. He is my angel.
I've heard crying is healthy too many times. I know it is, but how often do I actually let myself do it? Well...almost never. Lately, I have felt happier than I have in a long time, because I am getting better. Healing does not happen overnight or in a few days. Healing takes different amounts of time for everyone. It happens in the moments of letting out emotions which leads to letting go.
For me, it starts with letting myself feel real emotions, letting them out, and letting people in.
Many things still hurt. They will not always. Scars do fade.
Sometimes we all just need to....cry.
