Yesterday I realized something.
Now that I am not smoking anymore I need to not speak as much when I am irritated, or at least censor myself more. Cigarettes have always been my crutch and were the thing that calmed me down. Without them (which is something I want to do personally) I am at loss without that instant sedation nicotine provides.
Therefore, hurtful words fly out of my mouth and then I instantly regret them. "Why the hell did I say that?" Apologies follow and then the first thought in my head is, I'm a terrible person. The downward spiral starts with something that small because in my heart and mind I know the sadness I feel is my fault. I do not try to hurt others or upset them in anyway. I know it cannot always be avoided, but I am still working on accepting this. I hate guilt! I hate it even more when I make myself feel guilty.
I know I'm not all bad, but I am neither perfect because perfection cannot be attained. I still continue to try to attain that because at the end of the day, I want to save the world and be superwoman.
Unrealistic?
Of course it is! Regardless, this plays back into self-improvement so I can help myself and support those who need me.
If I wasn't already in a terrible mood, my computer and I battled over how to fix my antivirus and destroy a rogue virus that infiltrated. Technology will never be my forte but after 3 or so hours, the job got done.
I love technology and the ease it brings to my life, but sometimes I do miss the simplicity of pens, paper, and plain, old books because they never get a virus! They never break down!
That's the English major in me though. My love and life sits between today and vintage because of the interests I find in each. I compromise. I do not use e-books unless necessary, own an mp3 player (I cannot afford an IPOD), and enjoy movies and music from many eras. I drink tea and coffee almost everyday hence my background. Though I have a blog now, my journal always lies near. Certain things I find easier to type out, but other entries I need the feel of pen and paper for the release and therapeutic value.
The last random thing I want to talk about is trees.
Trees? Yes trees.
Autumn causes the leaves to turn auburn and orange, and eventually they will fall. Winter will bring a different beauty but the in-between isn't always. The trees appear barren like ladies losing youth and the freedom that comes with it. In a way, they are dying because time causes age, but I find beauty in the cycle of life. Leaves decompose, snow furthers the process, and after the ice has melted away life begins again. These thoughts were brought to me because I felt sad that fall is close to the end, and I will miss warm days. Everything has a cycle and a course to run, and that reminds me that I should make the most of the one bestowed to me. The cliche "life is short" I've heard too many times.
Instead, how about "life is beautiful?" I can deal with this one.
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