Wrapping Everything Up/Finals and the Holidays

As the holidays come near, the semester for most college students has ended up or is close to the end.

The hallways quiet down, normal sleeping schedules are forgotten, and everyone just wants to go home!

I definitely need to get out of here! My beloved campus is beginning to feel a bit like prison. 

Finals has been one of the biggest reasons why I have not posted in awhile. The other is lack of motivation. I swear my brain refuses to take in any other academic information until I submit to let it have a vacation. Instead of cramming (which I know barely does any good), I have been lounging doing nothing productive. Maybe  I should be stressed out like my surrounding peers...or maybe I should just watch another episode of Firefly.

Easy decision...and back to Netflix I go!

I admit I am a bit of a bum lately, but the only thing I'm excited for is the up-and-coming holidays! Family awkwardness, trying to wrap gifts, praying I do not have to go to Walmart, and spending time with people I love and sometimes can't stand, and it's Christmas! This year will yet again top last year's level of awkwardness in my family, but I'm determined that it going to be a very merry Christmas no matter what.

Running around to visit everyone, watching A Christmas Story, baking cookies, watching the snow come down, and staring at the Christmas lights are the things I love. Something about Christmas lights at night never cease to make me stop and stare, because they're so beautiful! 

I could care less about the amount of gifts under the tree, what we eat, or anything else. All that I want is to spend time with my families: the immediate, part of the extended, and my boyfriend's side who I'm overly blessed to spend this holiday with. Snow would be nice too!

Everything is wrapping up: the classes, the gifts, and the year. I hope for all that it is a good end to a year, and if you feel so inclined make a goal for the next one. My goal for the last few months was to find passion in my life again. I did. That's my Christmas gift; I found myself. I learned to love myself more than I ever had before. When I have time, I'll figure out my resolution for the coming year.

This winter break at "home" will bring smiles, laughter, and possibly tears, but right now there is no place I'd rather be.

Up, Down, and Everywhere

"We're just ordinary people, you and me." - Foo Fighters "Statues"

My head has been spinning for practically a week now.

Why?

Well...lots of reason: withdrawal, finals, insomnia (which plays into the former), stress, and lots of emotions.

I am having a couple of rough days. It happens.

Just breathe I tell myself. One day at a time is the advice my mother always gives me. Anymore, it's one moment at a time.

I'm trying everything in my "tool box" as my friend calls it. The tools we have to cope with what comes our way. Here are mine. (Everyone's are different.)

• Take deep breaths
• Take care of myself
• Listen to music
• Write it out!
• Read something.
• Just let it all out somehow. 
• Talk to friends or family

I am sure that many of my college companions are feeling the stress of dreaded finals, the last papers, and projects. These things I can handle pretty well, and I strive to not get behind. When people say they feel like they have been on a roller coaster lately, I completely sympathize. I am there. I just want to be done.

The problem is I can get overwhelmed and then my pulse will not slow down for the life of me.

I asked my friend jokingly this morning, "Why is growing up so hard?" Her response, "Well if it wasn't, everyone would do it." Agreed!

Realistically, everything really is under control except my anxiety. Everything will be fine. I know this.

To everyone who is having a rough day, a rough week, or longer period of time: I understand. I am there or have been at some point.
 
Eventually, I will be able to sleep better, my headaches will go away, and my heartbeat will resume a pace of norm.

Break and the holidays are right around the corner. It will all get done and figured out.

Remember, just breathe.
Don't give up.
Keep trying.

Yes I'm crying, and it feels good too.

"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart,
Without saying a word you can light up the dark"
- Alison Krauss "When You Say Nothing At All"

Only you could make tears feel so good...

I hate crying. I hate people seeing me cry. I hate people knowing I cry.

I rarely grieve over past events. Depressed is a familiar feeling but with that comes a numbness and a loss of hope. Recent past events took a toll on me, but I always tried to hold back from crying.

Then tonight came...

A person I love more than words can describe listened to me cry. He is halfway across the country, yet he was with me. The "Goodwill Hunting" trick only works in times of high stress and emotion, and the words "it's not your fault" ring true. No matter how old I am, my parents splitting up hurts. Certain events really are not my fault because I had no choice. Knowledge of the coming divorce came months ago (actually last spring). It took the finality of scheduling the court date to make me mourn.

Appearances are misleading. No matter how one may look, there is always a story underneath. A story untold.

Part of myself becoming stronger, better, happier, is also feeling all emotions more. Tears are healthy, grieving is normal, and to let go I must finish mourning first.

The amazing thing about letting someone I love see or hear me cry is that he does not see me as weak. He understands. This person took time out of their life just to be there for me. That may sound simple, but I have a hard time letting my guard completely down. I have a hard time letting people completely in.  I may state facts, but I use humor and sarcasm as a defense. I pretend and lie to myself that "I'm fine".

Simple truths are the hardest one to accept.

Though it may sound pathetic to some, sitting on the phone and letting myself go, letting myself cry, is one of the hardest things to do. It was also one of the best things to do.

Hot tears poured down my face, my sobs were muffled by my hand covering my eyes and mouth, and while it hurt, it also felt good. 

If it would have been anyone, I would have ran, hid, or held it in, but this person I trust more than myself sometimes. He is my angel.

I've heard crying is healthy too many times. I know it is, but how often do I actually let myself do it? Well...almost never. Lately, I have felt happier than I have in a long time, because I am getting better. Healing does not happen overnight or in a few days. Healing takes different amounts of time for everyone. It happens in the moments of letting out emotions which leads to letting go.

For me, it starts with letting myself feel real emotions, letting them out, and letting people in.

Many things still hurt. They will not always. Scars do fade.

Sometimes we all just need to....cry.

Future Moves/Feeling Homeless/Having Hope

"Sleeping in the spare room

that used to be my bedroom
even though I'm home now
I feel completely homeless."

- Paul Baribeau "Christmas Lights"

What is a home?

Home is where the heart is, or at least that's what I've been told.

Sometimes I feel homeless. (Disclaimer I have a place to sleep, to eat, to stay, and shower.)

What I do not have is a central place to live my life.

Recently with a friend of mine, she and I discussed the transition from child to adulthood and where we feel most at home. For her, it's her fiance's house where his parents live. To me, home is something I'm trying to build.

That's the biggest reason I am moving at the end of this school year. The change isn't in the name of love or any other singular reason I could give a person. Collectively, the decision to transfer schools and return to Indiana was based on many factors, but mainly I want a place of my own. I want one place that is mine all year round.

Life has been a struggle of here or there and it is forced upon me. I have to go wherever I need to. School during the semesters. My parent's houses during the breaks. Neither one feels like home to me.There is no middle ground and I crave independence, because with it comes freedom of choice.

• I can choose to visit others but am not forced to stay.
• I can finally feel like I have my own home.

I cannot live in Baltimore all year round because so much of my life is in Indiana. As another friend said to me, "You have a life back there". I never really took the time to notice it, but I do. My life is growing somewhere that I'm not even at most of the time. Therefore, I had a dilemma on my hands.

In the last post of mine I discussed changes. Well, one of the hardest changes is the transitions we face during college. No longer am I a child, no longer do I want to be treated as one, but I cannot fully support myself. Until then, I have to ask for help.

Even in our early twenties, are we really ready to do it all on our own?

For myself personally, I am not, but I want to get there. This move in my life is to get closer to that independence. I will be able to live, work, and go to school all in one place instead of the temporary back and forth. It will be year round until I graduate and then I will do the same somewhere else (minus the college work). That prospect is one of the most exciting.

To tie this together, a house is not a home. A room is not a home. I believe home is the place we are happiest living because that is where our heart lies. That is what I'm trying to find and make.

I know almost everything remains a compromise, but why not try to get as close to having it all as we can?

Life contains enough hardships naturally all on its own. If we can make our life a little happier and a little easier, the question I have is...

Why not?

My advice remains to not be afraid to make a change. Go to where life takes you. It will be difficult at times getting there, but in the end you may end up somewhere (literally or metaphorically) that makes life a little easier and hopefully happier.

The Art of Letting Go

Pictures are of Wabash River, IN and Downtown Baltimore, MD

"Well things got bad, and things got worse.
Half like a blessing, half like a curse.
It's so hard to see sometimes,
Got a little clearer 'bout dusk last night."
- The Gaslight Anthem "Red at Night"

I hate change.

Almost everything changes over time. Whether the change is slower or quicker, stasis cannot be maintained.

My life has no stasis...

This entire year has been consumed with change and I accepting that change. Families transforming, disease, possibility of loss, making and losing friends, and knowing that I have no control over most of it. At a certain point, I lost control of myself. There is not a lot I can control in this life, but I need to make the most of what I can.

That is one of the one reasons I quit smoking. Though it was something I greatly enjoyed, I needed it more than I should have. Thinking about that, it ties in with wholly taking care of myself. I try everyday to take care of myself better, because I am the one thing I can control in life.

The road I travel lately takes me to places strange and stranger, and I'm sure it is the path less taken.

Accepting change is no easy task, but after having it shoved down my throat constantly, I get used to it. Living as an out-of-state college student, change happens and it happens fast. Back and forth, one place to another, and there is never enough time to simply adjust .

I guess that's life though. Changes will happen whether or not I'm ready. Either I can accept it or fight it. The changes are not always pretty, but I try to ride each wave with as much grace as possible. (That doesn't always happen.)

Sometimes change still drives me up the wall, but I am learning to let go. Every time I make a plan, it gets overturned, sometimes even by me.

I thought I would be at the same college for four years. That's the plan most make unless transferring from community college. How wrong I was to think life would slow down or stay constant for four years. How wrong I was to think that I would never again live near home.

Lesson learned: I shouldn't think so much.

Whether the changes are hard or easy to make, I need to let them happen.

Lesson learned: I need to let go.

Appreciate the now. Live in the present. I love every person who touches my life because it adds to who I am and what I experience. The experiences may not always be pleasant, but well what is? If the bad didn't hurt deeply, happiness wouldn't shine as brightly. (Those moments are worth fighting for!)

Life took me to Baltimore, it is taking me back to Indiana, and I have no idea where it will end, but I'm excited for the adventure of everyday.

Things change. I change. Life changes. Change can be beautiful.

The Illusion of Safety

"Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had and what you lost" - Fleetwood Mac "Dreams"

Stability and safety are two things I've constantly sought out in life, but anything I became to believe was constant fell apart. Family, relationships, illnesses, the future remains unknown.

That is the hardest thing for me to accept.

I want comfort in reality instead of the harshness I see. Therefore, I'm terrified of so many things.

• I'm scared of being abandoned.
• I'm scared I will end up alone.
• I'm scared I'll give up on life.
• I'm scared I'll never be able to accept the unknown. 

My future is uncertain and of course it's unknown. I will never have a Delphic oracle to predict my future and I don't believe in psychics.  Something I read today said, "don't cling to your illusion of safety".

My distorted illusion of safety is not taking risks, not putting myself out there to be hurt, and to stay alone. Is that really safe though? It may be. I would never be hurt by another but I would hurt myself.

Aha! 

There is no safety out there but the way I see it I have two choices.

1. I can live an adventure accepting the unknown risks.
2. Or I can sit here and be "safe" from others and be miserable by myself. 

Logically the answer is clear! (number 1 of course) That answer is the hardest one for me to accept. The past has made me more inclined to steer clear of potentially negative situations and avoid conflicts. I avoid conflict like the plague.

My fear is my own worst enemy. It always has been and I struggle with it everyday. My brain screams at me to "Run"! But to where?

Take the risk, take a breath, and live a life that is more than merely surviving.

Voice Within the Verse/My Recent Poetry

These poems I wrote last month. I started to feel overwhelmed, but it seems anymore when I begin a poem it turns in unexpected ways. It either ends with hope or some moral. Here are two that I wrote to release emotions about the things that strain my mind. I apologize for their length but I hope regardless you will enjoy them.  The second I think is self-explanatory. It deals with my instinct to run from difficulties I face. The first reflects back on my second post. If you haven't read it please do!

Displaced Faith

Prayers didn’t work; neither did wishing on stars,

Your voice in my head made it worse,

Call me weak; call me stupid, can you do it better?

Past episodes seem to disagree.

With the sentiment that your logic is law,

I fell faster and faster…

A child I was but no longer am,

I noticed father’s detrimental imperfections.

My feet walk a path with no directions,

Alone but lost it seems,

Tears still burn the same as they did before,

And I couldn’t wait to grow up.

Losing way in the midst of confusion and despair,

 Only silence and cold to embrace,

Lost at sea beneath the surface absorbing rays,

Can’t see what can’t be found.

Again and again attempting to reach the crest of waves above,

I fell faster and faster…

Waiting for arms to catch me, to let me cry.

Hold me until the aching fades soft.

Appearing faster than I could cover or disguise,

The scars that still lay visible.

Every flaw caressed with gentle arms and hands,

Is this my own true angel?

All exposed in the light, no longer beneath the surface,

Remnants of the deep still cling,

I stare at a familiar face I want to run from and hold close,

One decision, I must choose.

Over a wall and off a ledge I follow wings with determination,

I fall faster and faster…

A path unforeseen taken with anxious wonder,

Start over once again.

His honest sapphires convey more than my reflection,

A conclusion and reality I never thought I’d find,

That I hold his heart when I hold his hand,

And he’s been beside me all along.

Tripping Over Footsteps

Can’t slow down, can’t stop,

Faster than thoughts,

Than the car coming round the bend,

Overcome every skipped heartbeat,

Sweat that slips down skin,

Shakes that won’t stop,

Run…

Past the people, the places,

Situations of uncomfortable tones,

The sounds fading in the back,

The oh-so familiar faces of

Pretend friends, lovers, loathed relatives,

And resentments held within.

Run…

Away from monsters under the bed,

Ghosts who creep through dark and dreams,

Phantoms of memory materialize,

The insanity that leaks in,

Concrete plaguing doubts,

Inner arguments that can’t be won,

Run…

To a fortress of hope and solitude,

Where fear dares not try to tread,

The heart is where home is.

Circle over circle in endless frustration,

Back to where it all began, the beginning,

The crooked path indented with footsteps.

Slow…

 Hit the mirror.

Face the worst known enemy.

Accept the blemish, the scar,

The substance beneath the film,

Realize that each step leads back,

That this fight won’t be won,

Pause…

Until the face seen each morning,

Is loved with understanding,

That all thoughts compressed create

Something worthy for keepsake,

Linger…

Moments shall pass yet emotions endure,

The past still affects the present

Until those times are dealt with.

When the pulsing slows,

Breaths resume a pace of norm,

The finish line is crossed.

Next new phase begins and till

 Finality of death knocks,

The strength of beat after beat,

Giving the will to go on,

Silencing its melody of a story

Only then you may

Stop.

Hurtful Words/Agitation/Happy Mediums

"Oh, take these storms away

  Start a brand new story."- Lostprophets "Where We Belong"

Yesterday I realized something.

Now that I am not smoking anymore I need to not speak as much when I am irritated, or at least censor myself more. Cigarettes have always been my crutch and were the thing that calmed me down. Without them (which is something I want to do personally) I am at loss without that instant sedation nicotine provides.

Therefore, hurtful words fly out of my mouth and then I instantly regret them. "Why the hell did I say that?" Apologies follow and then the first thought in my head is, I'm a terrible person. The downward spiral starts with something that small because in my heart and mind I know the sadness I feel is my fault. I do not try to hurt others or upset them in anyway. I know it cannot always be avoided, but I am still working on accepting this. I hate guilt! I hate it even more when I make myself feel guilty.

I know I'm not all bad, but I am neither perfect because perfection cannot be attained. I still continue to try to attain that because at the end of the day, I want to save the world and be superwoman.

Unrealistic?

Of course it is! Regardless, this plays back into self-improvement so I can help myself and support those who need me.

If I wasn't already in a terrible mood, my computer and I battled over how to fix my antivirus and destroy a rogue virus that infiltrated. Technology will never be my forte but after 3 or so hours, the job got done.

I love technology and the ease it brings to my life, but sometimes I do miss the simplicity of pens, paper, and plain, old books because they never get a virus! They never break down!

That's the English major in me though. My love and life sits between today and vintage because of the interests I find in each. I compromise. I do not use e-books unless necessary, own an mp3 player (I cannot afford an IPOD), and enjoy movies and music from many eras. I drink tea and coffee almost everyday hence my background. Though I have a blog now, my journal always lies near. Certain things I find easier to type out, but other entries I need the feel of pen and paper for the release and therapeutic value.

The last random thing I want to talk about is trees.

Trees? Yes trees.

Autumn causes the leaves to turn auburn and orange, and eventually they will fall. Winter will bring a different beauty but the in-between isn't always. The trees appear barren like ladies losing youth and the freedom that comes with it. In a way, they are dying because time causes age, but I find beauty in the cycle of life. Leaves decompose, snow furthers the process, and after the ice has melted away life begins again. These thoughts were brought to me because I felt sad that fall is close to the end, and I will miss warm days. Everything has a cycle and a course to run, and that reminds me that I should make the most of the one bestowed to me. The cliche "life is short" I've heard too many times.

Instead, how about "life is beautiful?" I can deal with this one.

Yeah I have problems, but I'm working on it.

"I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough 
Where do I begin?" - Foo Fighters "Walk" 
 

Love remains the one beauteous aspect of life. It can take us anywhere and bring feelings never imagined by ourselves. When I speak of love, I do not speak only of the connection that comes from another through a committed relationship but also the affection we give to ourselves.

This notion remains something I struggle with because I lack

• ·         self-confidence

• ·       self-respect

• ·         and self-love.

There are reasons for the way I feel, but coming to terms with it and seeking help did not happen easily. Sitting helplessly in the dark was easier than fighting to rekindle the spark that was withering inside me, but I was more miserable for this.

Learning to love myself did not happen overnight and it will be something I will  fight with everyday. That may be sad but it is true. No one is without faults but they differ with each person. I struggle not only with these concepts but the problems that come with them: standing up for myself, acting like myself without fear of judgment, and they all stem from fear. I fear change, instability, and the possible outcome of ruining my future.

 I consistently analyze and learned how and what to with help from those around me.

 If I do not like the person I am, why?

As well, why am I unhappy with my life?

Well…

To look back on the topic on self-love, I lost myself and forgot who I am and want to become. My interests took a back seat to stress, and everything else happening around me took priority.

I missed laughing out loud because I could, being silly, and helping others and being strong enough to do it. I longed for the optimism I had as a child.

 I missed being happy just being me, but that was impossible when vital parts lie dormant.

Things I Remind Myself: (some new, some old, and some I just learned)

·         I remember that I cannot be there for others until I can be there for myself.

·         It’s okay to be let my inner child out at times.

·         No one knows me better than me. Therefore, no one can love me better than me.

·         Making myself a priority does not mean I care about anyone less.

·         I am not responsible for others’ happiness.

·         I need to step away or say “no” to situations that will be bad for my health.

·         I have a full future ahead of me and that is more than worth fighting for, but it is up to me to get there.

·         I cannot predict the future.

·         I cannot change the past.

·         I cannot be myself if I’m trying to make everyone else happy and conform to what they want.

·         No one should expect me to be happy all the time.

·         It’s okay to let my emotions out: to scream, to cry, to laugh.

·         I do have people who care about me and who love me.

·         I am only as alone as I make myself.

·         I am beautiful.

·         I deserve good things in life.

Life holds many mysteries and I realize I will NEVER figure them all out, but I hope to have a better grasp on myself and my life. I want to find passion and be passionate about everyday and all I do in life. If life has no interest and holds no happiness, why would it worth living?

About this Blog

I do not have a lot of expectations concerning this blog. Mainly, I want to express the avenues I take in life and basically voice the aspects I realize and learn. This blog may go from music to poetry to anything on my mind of recent or something causing inspiration. If possible, my own poetry will be shared on here at times.

Life is a road taken. Mine sometimes becomes the path that should have been less taken but regardless I learn something new every day (hence the title). I have started to see that beauty takes place in life and in everything I have come through whether it be triumph or despair. Currently, my path concerns finding passion in my life, loving myself more, and accepting the changes that occur beyond my control (or lack of at times).

Writing has been part of my life since I was young. I always have a journal on me and constantly explore life through writing. It's no secret that writing relieves stress and helps release what's within. My personal writings go from complete sarcasm, venting, and finding answers or solutions to problems, but it is also about things I notice in life and inquire on. I hope whoever reads this will enjoy the notions said and seeing life through my eyes.