Random, Frustrating, and a Little Bit Sad

What happens now? I am twenty-one years old, and my parents divorce is final. Now that it's complete, I feel relieved but saddened as well. Tears fill me eyes for the first time in over a month, because my parents are no longer married. Even sadder, there is little evidence of that semi-happy family that once existed. All the secrets and wrong-doings are out in the air; there is nothing more to hide. Due to this information, I have a hard time distinguishing what was real. Were we ever a functional family?

I read in a book, one from my education courses, a teacher dealing with a child with newly separated parents. She told the child that even though her parents were not together they still loved her much and liked her. Deep down, I know my parents will always love me, but right now, one and I do not see eye to eye. It hurts so much to know that money is more important to my dad than my future and even just me. He says that all of kids hurt him, but I know none of us do it intentionally. It is never easy putting distance between oneself and a parent. Most of us want them happy, the best for them, and to help them in whatever way possible.

I cannot help him anymore, because he wishes to drag me down into his misery. I have been in that dark place in my life. I will not go there willingly. Because of his random outbreaks of anger, I am terrified to call him. The thought of being alone with my dad almost puts me in a panic attack. Getting to this point has been a painful journey, but I am much stronger for it.

I'm twenty-one years old, and my parents' divorce hurts. It hurts no matter what age a person is, and how far away they are. My family has taught me one thing though. My kids will come first someday. I will support them in whatever way I can. I won't be perfect, but I will be better.

Students in my classes count down the days until Thanksgiving. They cannot wait to go home. I envy them, and it makes me smile that they have such wonderful families. My family is spread out in different countries and states, but very little of it lies near here. In lieu of the family I lost I gained another. Many of them are still at UMBC. Of all days, I wish I was there, because they are the most supportive people I know other than my sister and boyfriend. You know who you are if you read this.

Some days and moments are sad ones, but they compare little to the ones spent in happiness.