Wrapping Everything Up/Finals and the Holidays

As the holidays come near, the semester for most college students has ended up or is close to the end.

The hallways quiet down, normal sleeping schedules are forgotten, and everyone just wants to go home!

I definitely need to get out of here! My beloved campus is beginning to feel a bit like prison. 

Finals has been one of the biggest reasons why I have not posted in awhile. The other is lack of motivation. I swear my brain refuses to take in any other academic information until I submit to let it have a vacation. Instead of cramming (which I know barely does any good), I have been lounging doing nothing productive. Maybe  I should be stressed out like my surrounding peers...or maybe I should just watch another episode of Firefly.

Easy decision...and back to Netflix I go!

I admit I am a bit of a bum lately, but the only thing I'm excited for is the up-and-coming holidays! Family awkwardness, trying to wrap gifts, praying I do not have to go to Walmart, and spending time with people I love and sometimes can't stand, and it's Christmas! This year will yet again top last year's level of awkwardness in my family, but I'm determined that it going to be a very merry Christmas no matter what.

Running around to visit everyone, watching A Christmas Story, baking cookies, watching the snow come down, and staring at the Christmas lights are the things I love. Something about Christmas lights at night never cease to make me stop and stare, because they're so beautiful! 

I could care less about the amount of gifts under the tree, what we eat, or anything else. All that I want is to spend time with my families: the immediate, part of the extended, and my boyfriend's side who I'm overly blessed to spend this holiday with. Snow would be nice too!

Everything is wrapping up: the classes, the gifts, and the year. I hope for all that it is a good end to a year, and if you feel so inclined make a goal for the next one. My goal for the last few months was to find passion in my life again. I did. That's my Christmas gift; I found myself. I learned to love myself more than I ever had before. When I have time, I'll figure out my resolution for the coming year.

This winter break at "home" will bring smiles, laughter, and possibly tears, but right now there is no place I'd rather be.

Up, Down, and Everywhere

"We're just ordinary people, you and me." - Foo Fighters "Statues"

My head has been spinning for practically a week now.

Why?

Well...lots of reason: withdrawal, finals, insomnia (which plays into the former), stress, and lots of emotions.

I am having a couple of rough days. It happens.

Just breathe I tell myself. One day at a time is the advice my mother always gives me. Anymore, it's one moment at a time.

I'm trying everything in my "tool box" as my friend calls it. The tools we have to cope with what comes our way. Here are mine. (Everyone's are different.)

• Take deep breaths
• Take care of myself
• Listen to music
• Write it out!
• Read something.
• Just let it all out somehow. 
• Talk to friends or family

I am sure that many of my college companions are feeling the stress of dreaded finals, the last papers, and projects. These things I can handle pretty well, and I strive to not get behind. When people say they feel like they have been on a roller coaster lately, I completely sympathize. I am there. I just want to be done.

The problem is I can get overwhelmed and then my pulse will not slow down for the life of me.

I asked my friend jokingly this morning, "Why is growing up so hard?" Her response, "Well if it wasn't, everyone would do it." Agreed!

Realistically, everything really is under control except my anxiety. Everything will be fine. I know this.

To everyone who is having a rough day, a rough week, or longer period of time: I understand. I am there or have been at some point.
 
Eventually, I will be able to sleep better, my headaches will go away, and my heartbeat will resume a pace of norm.

Break and the holidays are right around the corner. It will all get done and figured out.

Remember, just breathe.
Don't give up.
Keep trying.

Yes I'm crying, and it feels good too.

"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart,
Without saying a word you can light up the dark"
- Alison Krauss "When You Say Nothing At All"

Only you could make tears feel so good...

I hate crying. I hate people seeing me cry. I hate people knowing I cry.

I rarely grieve over past events. Depressed is a familiar feeling but with that comes a numbness and a loss of hope. Recent past events took a toll on me, but I always tried to hold back from crying.

Then tonight came...

A person I love more than words can describe listened to me cry. He is halfway across the country, yet he was with me. The "Goodwill Hunting" trick only works in times of high stress and emotion, and the words "it's not your fault" ring true. No matter how old I am, my parents splitting up hurts. Certain events really are not my fault because I had no choice. Knowledge of the coming divorce came months ago (actually last spring). It took the finality of scheduling the court date to make me mourn.

Appearances are misleading. No matter how one may look, there is always a story underneath. A story untold.

Part of myself becoming stronger, better, happier, is also feeling all emotions more. Tears are healthy, grieving is normal, and to let go I must finish mourning first.

The amazing thing about letting someone I love see or hear me cry is that he does not see me as weak. He understands. This person took time out of their life just to be there for me. That may sound simple, but I have a hard time letting my guard completely down. I have a hard time letting people completely in.  I may state facts, but I use humor and sarcasm as a defense. I pretend and lie to myself that "I'm fine".

Simple truths are the hardest one to accept.

Though it may sound pathetic to some, sitting on the phone and letting myself go, letting myself cry, is one of the hardest things to do. It was also one of the best things to do.

Hot tears poured down my face, my sobs were muffled by my hand covering my eyes and mouth, and while it hurt, it also felt good. 

If it would have been anyone, I would have ran, hid, or held it in, but this person I trust more than myself sometimes. He is my angel.

I've heard crying is healthy too many times. I know it is, but how often do I actually let myself do it? Well...almost never. Lately, I have felt happier than I have in a long time, because I am getting better. Healing does not happen overnight or in a few days. Healing takes different amounts of time for everyone. It happens in the moments of letting out emotions which leads to letting go.

For me, it starts with letting myself feel real emotions, letting them out, and letting people in.

Many things still hurt. They will not always. Scars do fade.

Sometimes we all just need to....cry.